
Human beings, as a species, are in a constant state of change and adaptation—it's one of our greatest survival skills. Our evolution in parenting has closely aligned with our growing understanding of the complexities of the human brain. There was once a time when the concepts of “childhood” and “adolescence” didn’t even exist. Once children passed infancy, they were expected to be mini-adults, with fully developed brain structures and capabilities assumed. These expectations ranged from paid labor to sleeping through the night and managing their own temper tantrums.
In recent decades, we’ve seen the rise of concepts like attuned parenting, conscious discipline, attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and mindful parenting, among others. These shifts represent a profound transformation in how we approach raising children, signaling a larger paradigm shift in parenting today.
Advances in neuroscience have granted us a deeper understanding of how and why these changes are essential. While it may sound like hyperbole, I’d argue that the survival of our species could depend on this shift. Children are our greatest and most cherished resource, and if we fail to create the conditions of safety and connection for them, we jeopardize not only their futures but ours as well.
Contemporary neuroscience is providing the tools to create these conditions, offering new insights into how to nurture optimal safety and connection.
This is a deep rabbit hole, full of many warrens, and one we’ve been exploring at Ripple for some time. We’d love to share more with you in various ways—join one of our free webinars, attend an event, read our blogs, or book a session for you and/or your child(ren).
The pillars of this paradigm shift are both profound and practical, and they offer a roadmap for parents navigating these new ideas:
1. Children and adolescents are always doing their best.
ALWAYS. Even when they act in ways that are challenging or do things we don’t want them to, they are doing the best they can. They can and will do better, but difficult moments often reveal that they can't, for reasons that may be hidden or complex. In these moments, they need adults who are compassionate and curious about what those reasons might be.
2. The language of young people and the momentum for growth comes from deep, loving connections and play.
The more we love and laugh, the better we are—this is true for all ages! Positive connection and play fuel emotional growth, and these moments of joy foster resilience and confidence.
3. Power over and force work for no one.
Ever. They never have, and they never will. Power with, collaboration, supportive environments, and community have been the forces that evolved us as a species, and they continue to be the most effective path forward.
4. Good mental health, resourcefulness, resilience, and robustness are not a steady state, nor are they innate from birth.
Resilience is created by environments and relationships that are connected, safe, and responsive to the individual’s needs. The ability to navigate emotional states like fear, anger, or disgust—and return to a grounded sense of self—is a learned process throughout the developmental years. It requires love, compassion, and support, not only from the adults in a child’s life but from the child’s own sense of self as well.
5. Young people need a balance between autonomy, relatedness, and competence.
They need the power to make their own choices, along with the opportunities to experience both success and failure. They also need to know they are not alone, but supported by relationships invested in their growth. Equally important is a sense of competence: something they are good at, something they love doing, and something that ignites their passion.
6. Every young person is unique in body and mind.
There is no rulebook or instruction manual at birth. We—the child and their adults—are in the process of writing that manual together, every step of the way. With each new growth stage and developmental shift, new landscapes emerge that must be navigated. And, as noted in point one, we must always remember: They are always doing their best.
None of this means we completely discard the older parenting paradigm. Children still need clarity of expectations, routine, predictability, and adult supervision. However, the way we implement these essentials is radically evolving. The journey toward achieving routine and expectations is now a collaborative one, embedded in the family culture, with respect for each individual’s unique needs and pacing.
A special shout-out to every parent navigating this paradigm shift. You were likely not raised with these approaches, and the times we live in are still heavily influenced by “power over” mentalities. As parenting adults, we must also remember that we are “always doing our best.” Breaking old cycles, becoming aware of our own triggers, and maintaining self-regulation is HARD work—especially while juggling the demands of parenting, a job, and life’s many responsibilities.
But here’s the thing—you can jump-start your shift in parenting by applying all of these six points to yourself:
1. You are doing your best!
If there are things you would like to change, be curious and compassionate toward yourself about what needs to be changed, learned, or shared to achieve that goal.
2. You need deep, loving connections and play to sustain yourself.
Prioritize those moments of connection and joy.
3. “Power with” is the new mantra.
Reach out to friends, family, or service providers to ensure you can be your best self.
4. Accept life’s ups and downs as part of its rich pageant.
Embrace the flow of life and let its challenges be part of the journey.
5. You too need a balance of alone time, time in relationship, and a sense of competence.
Make sure to cultivate your own space for growth, connection, and passion.
6. YOU are unique in body and mind.
There’s no point in comparing yourself to others. Appreciate your uniqueness and live life from your own vibrancy and energy.
Navigating this new paradigm takes patience, reflection, and a lot of love—for yourself and for others. But the journey toward deeper connection and more mindful parenting is one of the most rewarding paths we can walk.
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