Regulation Is Not Relaxation: The Truth About Emotional Upset
- lisamarucci
- Jun 17
- 2 min read
What's Do People Say When Someone Is Upset?
Chances are, it’s something like:
“Calm down.”
“Take 10 deep breaths.”
“Sit down, relax. Everything is going to be okay.”
Sound familiar? You’ve probably said these things to others—and to yourself—expecting that you (or they) should just relax.
But does that ever really work?
Sure, once in a while it might help. But more often than not, it can actually make things worse. Instead of truly calming down, a person might appear composed on the outside while internally shutting down or dissociating. Their nervous system isn't regulated—they're frozen. The thinking brain may go offline, and they mentally “check out.” Or, the opposite happens: they become even more upset and dysregulated.
Either way, it's not helpful.
So What Does Help?
The answer lies in neuroscience. When the body becomes activated—stressed, triggered, overwhelmed—a cascade of chemicals floods the system, altering both our feelings and our thinking. In these moments, two common cognitive biases often kick in:
Negativity Bias: The brain goes on threat alert.“Who’s out to get me?” “Where’s the danger?” “I need to protect myself.”
Urgency Bias: The brain demands immediate action.“This is dangerous, and I MUST do something right now.”
These responses are deeply wired to protect us—especially in life-or-death situations. If there’s a tiger in the bushes, you want these systems firing on all cylinders.
But in most present-day challenges, they’re unnecessary and even harmful. Our emotional response becomes disproportionate to the actual situation.
Recognize the Stressor
When someone is emotionally activated, it means there’s a stressor present—either internal or external. And here’s the important part: stressors are messengers. They signal that something needs attention.
Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away—it often intensifies them. The longer they go unaddressed, the louder they become.
So instead of bypassing a stressor with surface-level calming techniques, try something deeper:
Attend to it. Notice it. Address it. Learn from it. Respond to it.
By doing so, you access the insight the stressor is trying to offer—and support your nervous system in returning to balance.
Let the Body Process the Energy
Part of addressing a stressor is allowing the body to release the “chemical soup” that emotional activation stirs up. That release might look like:
Shaking off tension
Punching a pillow
Screaming into water
Dancing wildly to AC/DC
Whatever allows that energy to move through you—let it happen.
Then pause. Check in with your body. Do you feel more settled? Lighter? A sense of release?
If not, give it a little more time. Your body might still be processing—or the stressor may have more information to share with you.
Regulation Takes Time
Turning the ship around doesn’t happen instantly. Emotional regulation isn’t as simple as “take a few deep breaths.” That advice isn’t wrong—it’s just incomplete.
Respect the wisdom of your body.
Listen closely. Move at its pace.
Real regulation starts with awareness, not avoidance.
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